Roots. or, The Approach of 30

I haven't been writing, mainly because there has been SO MUCH up in the air and back and forth, and most of my thoughts have been about things I couldn't really put out there for the world to see, but I think (and really really hope) that this version of what happens in the next six months is true.

Some history: there for a while, I was going to be moving to India in February or March with my job, which would have been an AMAZING experience I'm sure, but the timing was wrong, and the more I learned about the kind of work I'd be doing, the less I felt suited for it. Five years ago, or even two, I would have gone for it anyway. But at 29, the idea of re-learning a whole new skill set, starting totally over, re-creating a life yet again...no longer filled me with absolute excitement like it would have at 25 or 27. I'm doing well with what I'm doing in my career at the moment, and in my mind I either want to build on that more or drop it all and go after something I really care about, like music, or non-profit work in Africa. This move would have been neither. I'm sure I will end up on some other exciting adventure, but I've never had a problem finding those - and I tend to know when they are right, and when they just aren't. Things go a lot better for me when I listen to myself, and the amount of hesitation I had about this really cool opportunity was a huge red flag.

So then I spent several days worried that if I turned down the opportunity, after expressing interest and starting work on it for a few weeks, they might wish to part ways with me and I'd be frantically looking for a new job or packing up to move back to NC. But (fingers crossed!) it looks like there's a great position still available in London, so provided that all goes as planned, I'll be here indefinitely, which is just amazing. This really has become my home - I'm building up my life, my friends, my neighborhood...and it's so freeing not to have an expiration date on it. Even better, it's nice not to NEED an expiration date.

The best part of the whole story is that I found a piano shop that needed help, while looking for jobs 'just in case.' I can help out there on the weekends, and on days I don't want to work from home I can go there and work from the office and be surrounded by pianos all day :) It's great!

I've been here a full 18months now - crazy how time flies!

commercialism live and well

So apparently Harrods (massive and massively expensive dept store in london) has already pre-booked all available time slots for kids to sit on Santa's knee. Besides the fact that this means there are 70,000 parents who actually plan out their child's knee-wishing appointment, it's only November 2nd!!! Although with no Thanksgiving, there is really nothing to slow down the ever earlier arrival of the Christmas season. Their parade was yesterday, and I missed it, mainly because I as I said before, IT'S ONLY NOVEMBER 2ND!! I love how it's called Christmas here - you never say Happy Holidays or holiday shopping or any of that. The day is Christmas, it has even less to do with the Christian tradition than in the US, but they don't mind calling it that. I think that may be why they don't mind it, there is no debate about the real meaning or attempt to put Jesus back in Christmas - it's way too far gone for that now! Plus, 'holiday' is most commonly used as the word for vacation, so it wouldn't really make sense. I have trouble getting over my American PC training though, I keep stumbling as I ask people what they are doing for "the hol...um...over brea...um...Chri...Christmas?"

Anyway, it will be interesting to see what this year is like. I kinda liked shopping in the hub of activity last year, with the decorations and elaborate lighting on the stores, and Oxford Street just looks cool. But with the economy being a big, fat, gloomy cloud, I'm guessing there will be sales sooner, and a little less cheer from the retailers.

My voice

I lost my voice today, in the literal sense (icky flu/cold) and found it, figuratively, online in debates about politics on facebook. In general, I don't really know what I think until I can articulate it well in a discussion. Which is why I so rarely offer my opinion in real life debates, because until I can express myself clearly and know both the facts and feelings, I tend to remain very much in the middle. I think and mull and ponder and inwardly question, try on different sides of an argument, and then if I do end up on one side, I'm very passionate about what I believe or think. Historically, there's always been a really small percentage of things that end up in that category, although I think as I get older I'm a little more willing to risk speaking out before I get to the 100% sure stage. And of course I'm talking about things that hit close to home. I love sparking up a discussion about whether coincidences are meaningful, or criticizing/praising the musical talent on the X Factor (which, by the way, I think is so much more interesting than American Idol!). But on things that do matter to me, it takes a while for me to get to the point where I will confront someone, or argue a point, and I got there this week (and especially today) with the election. I even surprised myself to find I was actually enjoying the confrontation.

I went to see Quantom Solace today - yay Bond! It was fun to go with my flatmate, and I absolutely love walking to the movies, there's a great theater just around the corner. Did not love paying £9.60 for a ticket...but this has been a weekend of excess. I went with my flatmates to a really nice pub for dinner last night, taking taxi there and back (it's really cold and I'm sick, alright?) and forgetting the reason I can afford to live in my amazing flat is precisely because I do not spend money like that. :)

The place was very much a meat market, or whatever the London equivalent is. I find the raw singles scene so fascinating, we were in a popular spot in Notting Hill, so the girls were polished and well dressed, and the men basically the same. The looks by the women sussing up the competition are followed by the men evaluating the options, it's all so sophisticated and creepy. The adult crowd is much more separate from the university crowd, which makes a huge difference from the icky feeling places I remember in Raleigh. We were only stuck passively ignoring the two oddly tall and skinny men chatting us up for the one drink, then we had our booking at 9:30 and retreated upstairs to enjoy the yummy food.

I found this site on techcrunch called "memiary.com" which lets you say 5 things you did that day and tracks it for you. Which is so cool, because that's a small part of why I journal, to take notice of what I'm doing every day...so this way I can just journal my thoughts, not mindlessly record events. Also, I can look back over events and start taking stock of just how pointless some things are, or repetitive, or destructive, or good...who knows!

Happy Birthday Dad!

If my father were alive today, he'd be 65. Crazy! I sometimes wonder what he would look like, now with graying (or totally gray) hair, more wrinkles, maybe thinning or maybe with a little more weight on him. I wonder if we'd see this election the same, or if he would still be pretty conservative. I wonder what it would be like to tell him about playing golf over here and going to the football game, or ask his advice for what I do next in my career. I wonder what it would be like to talk to him about how I'm now the age he was when he and mom got married, or get his opinion on guys that I date. I wonder if we would even talk about that kind of thing! I wonder if he would be spending all his time playing golf now that he's retired, or still drawing out the sketches for the 'dream home' on his engineering paper. After over 17 years, I don't think that saying I still miss him occasionally is the right expression - I've lived several more years without him in my life than I did with him, and it doesn't usually happen that you miss something so far removed from your present life - but I have a bittersweet connection to the idea of him, the memory of him, that comes up on days like today...and I'm letting myself indulge in it and savor the chance to fill my head and heart with imaginations of my daddy.

um, sleet? snow?

Well, this is what I get for saying to my mom and some friends how London is just chilly and dreary longer than NC, not necessarily REALLY cold, except for the heart of January/February. Wrong! It was snowing in north London in last night, and sleeting when I was walking home from the tube last night after work! It's October, what's going on? My roof terrace was iced over this morning, if that keeps up we'll be able to have slip n' slide across the roof parties in December.

And as a consequence of this frigid temperature drop, and probably also due to the long hours outside in the cold on Sunday, I feel like doodoo today. So I'm home sick from work, although still worked pretty much all morning, was a good time to clear through the backlog of my emails.

It's nice though, I'm getting to listing to last.fm instead of the crappy pop radio we have on at work, and find some new bands. I've started using all the social ways you can listen to friends' stations, partly because it's fun, and partly in my ever-increasing attempt to be a web 2.0 geek to be better at my job :)

I haven't posted much about politics on this blog, and I'll probably keep it that way after this until the election is over. But I will say that it is really freaking me out how crazy people are. When I see video clips of people who honestly believe that Obama is a Muslim, and thus a terrorist, it's scary to think that the battle has only just begun if he wins. People are so passionately divided, and I don't really see either side having any intention of fixing that. Obama's platform at least says he wants to, and I hope that if he wins that wasn't just lip service, but if the Republicans only want to have it their way and don't do anything to help bridge the divide, it won't matter.

Football, football, rah rah rah!

That's what my dad used to say all the time when it was Saturday and time for college ball games to start - after fixing the popcorn in our old-fashioned popcorn maker, where you melted the butter on the top while the kernels exploaded below, pelting them into the bowl and drizzling the butter all over it. Oh I love fall - football, pretty leaves, crisp weather...

Anyway, so I was complaining loudly Friday and Saturday about not finding anyone or way to go to the football game that was at Wembley stadium Sunday. Saints and Chargers, second year the NFL has been here. And then I thought, why am I choosing to complain instead of doing something about this? So I shut up, started searching for spare tickets and found a guy looking for a girl to go with him, since his mate couldn't go, and I said, what the hell, I'm doing it! It was slightly like responding to a personal ad, but when it comes to a chance to see a pro football game at a cool venue like Wembley in London, I have no shame. Plus, the guy was Irish, and it's built into my American girl genes to find Irish guys unreasonably attractive. :)

It was SOOO much fun! I had my Steelers jersey on, and probably 70% of the crowd had on some NFL team jersey, it was unlike any sporting event I've ever been to, b/c everyone was a fan of the game, not really the two teams that were playing. The weather even behaved, it had been raining, but stopped an hour or so before the game so it was chilly but clear. The game was great, and the "home" team was the Saints, so most people were routing for them, and it was almost like a home environment, which was fun.

The funniest part for me was the beginning, when the cheerleaders came out and the whole crowd went WILD - probably the biggest reception I've ever heard for the girls. Two reasons - A) being a minor sport over here, there were MAYBE 10,000 out of the 83,000 people there that were female. Actually that's generous, I was the only woman out of the 25 people I could see around me. B) none of the sports here have cheerleaders, it's a phenomenon for them.

Then there were the funny spellings - people with DEFENCE signs, instead of defense. And of course I loved being the local expert on the rules :) Even the game was good, lots of 'offence' and it had an exciting fourth quarter with the Chargers almost coming back from well behind. And my Irish date turned out to be pretty funny and we hit it off well, so it couldn't have been a better day, really.

Nesting

I have always balked at any suggestion of 'settling down' or even admitting I would rather stay in my current location than go somewhere exotic or just plain different - but I officially crossed over the line this week. I put up curtains in my flat, which coordinate with my duvet, and hung the mirror on the wall, bought flowers and placed them in two vases in the room, got the keyboard I ordered all set up, fixed the internet so I can sit here in my room and type before going to sleep...and I'm really freakin' happy with it all. :) Maybe there is something to that theory that people (esp. women) have that urge to 'nest' and create the sense of 'home'...I do pretty well at running from that notion, but it's kinda nice to let my guard down a little. I haven't felt this connected to the place where I'm living and the life I have there since 2001-3, the years after college in Columbia, SC, when I had my first apartment, my piano studio, and worked as the organist at a church. The part about this that scares me is that when I did leave, I knew it wasn't quite the right time, but did it anyway, and it resulted in 2 horrible years...financially, emotionally, and career-wise. So I'm really hoping I can avoid a repeat!

Last night I went out for drinks and then dinner at a Spanish restaurant with some friends - I was feeling so continental! Not just because we ate at 9:30pm, but it was an Italian girl, French girl, and Spanish guy, so I was surrounded. And that is yet another reason I love London. People here ask me all the time why I like living here and if it's for the city, wouldn't I prefer New York or something? My answer to that is that not only am I more likely to have last night's dinner scenario here than in NYC, but it's a heck of a lot easier for me to GO to Italy, France and Spain from London! Along that train of thought, I'm trying to plan a trip to Germany for December to visit a couple friends, and see the Christmas markets :)

Best weekend EVER!? part two

So after a lovely night's rest in Wales, we all got up for a fantastic breakfast, and hit the road to find some waterfalls! Awesome hike, with amazing views - here I am starting out.


This is the first waterfall - ah I love nature :)




And here's the big one we walked behind:


Cool tree.
Castles - stopped to see two of these on our drive through the countryside!

And this is me playing golf in Richmond, and there are the deer! Okay I wasn't hitting the ball next to them or anything, but it was still cool to see them as we exited.

Best weekend EVER!?

Wow, this last week has been a massive roller coaster. Things at my job went amazing and then to SNAFU, and then I went to Oxford to see a play, which was the first in a string of events that just fell into place, taking me to an outdoors 'ballet', the Cotswolds, Wales, and culminating in a game of golf today!

First, I had asked for Thursday and Friday off, but not planned what to do with them. Sunday, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to a play on Wednesday night, in Oxford, and I thought hey cool - I can do that, I don't have to work the next day! So I worked from home on Wednesday and took the 4:21 train to Oxford, ate dinner with my friend, and we went to see "The Secret Agent" an adaptation of the Joseph Conrad novel. I stayed there, and made plans to meet Monica on Thursday for lunch. We strolled through Oxford on a gorgeous day, found somewhere to have a glass of wine and £5 lunch special and sit in the sun, then some quick shopping, went to check out the rental car prices at Avis, which were a bit too much for me to justify at that stage, back to her flat, and then to see "Dancer and Mechanical digger" which was this choreographed routine with a ballet dancer and one of those huge tractor digging things. It was even cooler than in that photo because the moon was out and it was getting dark and just such a cool atmosphere.
From there we had burritos and Monica and Ian's, and then massive, yummy crepes at this cute cafe down the road, and started talking about maybe renting a car for a day and going to the Cotswolds together.

Friday morning, we met up after breakfast, and started looking online to make sure the prices were right, and found we could rent a car for 3 days for £42!!! So cheap! So then we started thinking, where else could we go? Looking at the map, Cotswolds are west, and if you keep going west....WALES! So we start planning a trip to Wales :) Decided on Brecon Beacon National Park because it's pretty easy to get to, has lots of waterfalls, and there's a great B&B lodge/spa with a night available right in the middle of it.

So off we go...Ian was awesome and drove the whole way - his first time on the left side of the road! We saw so many cute little villages - one with a mechanical music shop/museum, all with adorable stone houses and buildings and flowers and walls and sheep, it was great. And we had the best weather I've ever seen in England.





Bourton-upon-water was the favorite, had all these little bridges over the river running through it - we stopped there for cream tea.

I think we hit about 6-7 places all in all before hitting a nasty traffic jam (doesn't seem likely in the idyllic setting of the country shires of England, but it can happen) and starting our trek west. We ate our sandwiches at Ross-on-Wye, had a cup of coffee, and reached Nunt Ddu around 9.

I think Ihave to stop there because I'm exhausted and have a lonnnnng day at work ahead, I can just tell, more upheaval may await!

Whole Foods

I know it's not really very normal to have a love affair with a supermarket, but I cannot get enough of this place. I met a friend for lunch so we dove into the copious choices of the salad bar, ate our lunch, then got amazing brownies and coffee and ate that, all while wondering through the sites and smells and bread and cheese tasting - it's so cool. For US people, I know, I know it sounds like I'm overreacting, but the Whole Foods in Kensington is like 3 notches up from the average store in the states. My friend, who is from France, said that the bakery part reminded her of France. So there. :)

I finally have my room almost finished - I've bought a duvet and duvet cover, going with black and white and red for my colors. The couch in my room is black leather, so I'll put up black curtains (this will help with the cold and the light), and then use red as the accent for pillows and maybe a rug. Shopping here is so different...I would really love to have a Bed, Bath and Beyond to simplify the process, but it's also kinda fun to wander through all 5 floors of Debenhams, House of Fraser, and John Lewis (dept. stores) and some of the smaller stores.

I'm having such a nice, lazy weekend. After a wild night out on Friday, it's good to chill out - especially since it's nasty weather!

All at once

Sometimes I think my life is just a sequence of intense bursts of random connections, memories, and events happening frantically together in a spiral of activity that sweeps me up and doesn't drop me back until it's had its way with me. Not that I mind, I thrive on the chaos usually, it's just funny that I don't do anything to start these times, they just come. So September was one of those - most of it I will not write about in detail, since it involves BOYS and other stuff I don't really like to put out there on the interwebs. :) But lets just say that there was old, new, surprising, predictable, good, bad and ugly all condensed in a matter of weeks!

I had my first god-awful date, a nice lesson in why people hate dating. I let myself be 'set-up' with someone for the first time, and although the verdict is still out on that one, it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I re-connected with two ex-boyfriends, I handled myself pretty well in some tricky situations, let myself be slightly emotionally vulnerable, took some risks and had a fabulous time, and overall came to the end of this episode of tornado Jennie in darn good shape!

I say it's the end, I could be wrong, but the wind is changing, so to speak, I can feel it. I'm settling back into life as I like it, which is good.

I'm choosing to only stay peripherally engaged in what's happening in the world, because work was unstable, my life was unstable, and if I added in the instability of the financial mess and prospect of a Sarah Palin Vice Presidency, I'm not sure I would have held onto my sanity so well. So I read other people's opinions, quietly form my own, and go on with life. Oh and I sure as heck sent off for my absentee ballot!

In vino veritas

One of the first latin phrases I learned was "in wine, there is truth." I'm certainly hoping that holds true for me, because I have had a LOT of wine in the last few days. :)

I don't have time to do my full 2 week trip to the US justice, so I'll leave it with one word: PERFECT. Saw everyone I wanted (only a couple misses due to timing - will have to see them next time), did everything I wanted, enjoyed every minute, and returned to London when I wanted. Well, there was the slight issue of missing my flight from ATL to RDU which made me too late for my RDU-London flight, but that meant I got another night with my mom, and turned out I didn't have a 'home' to go back to anyway because my flat wasn't ready until yesterday.

Wednesday night (completely exhausted) I stayed at a friends, with dinner at her house with wine and friends. Thursday night was a quiet movie night at the same friends. Friday night was a wild night out with a friend in town from Holland for the wedding Saturday. We had dinner, drinks and dancing at the Dutch pub, and a night cap at the swanky hotel bar at the Crowne Plaza at Buckingham Palace, where I shared a massive room with her, since she has a friend that works there = £295 room for £66!!

Saturday it was up, fabulous b'fast at the hotel and off to Oxford. It was my first time there, and I loved it! We were staying AT St. John's college, so it was a little glimpse into life as an Oxford University student, right there with the hundreds of years old buildings :) The wedding was at a chapel on campus, champagne in the courtyard, dinner at the dining hall - just like in a Harry Potter movie, reception with dancing after that, and then a small group continued onto a pub and then club, because what wedding is complete unless you make it to the 12th hour of celebration?? :)

I was KNACKERED, as they say, but managed to get up and out by 10am checkout, on the delayed and then canceled and then delayed train back, and to my flat to start moving heavy boxes and bags from the garage up to the flat, and to my friends to get the rest and taxi back...not sure how i did it all.

Today I was late to work - no chance I was out of bed in time - but made it through until heading off to a work dinner with our sales contact at a vendor with a few other people, which was such fun!! Opera night at this restaurant that makes decadent seem an inadequate word. It was amazing, and I will have to go back, whenever I need some crazy velvet table cloths and opera music to compliment my wine and food :)

Anyhow, life needs to slow down a bit, so I can unpack, and sleep. Ah sleep...

How much is that dress in the window?

....£1080. Yeah so that was a new high for me in terms of having expensive taste... !!! I had been watching this dress for weeks - every morning I go running past this shop and it's right on Portobello Road, where most things are pretty reasonable, but lots of fun clothes. So I thought, when I get paid on the 15th, I'll go check it out. They had taken the dress down, but I went in to ask anyway, and when he answered it was one of those moments where I would have spewed coffee on the guy's face if I'd been drinking anything. I laughed and said well I won't be doing that today!! He said do you want to try it on anyway? (I'm thinking NO! I don't WANT to know if this dress looks good on me!) So I tried to shrug off, but he insisted, saying he hadn't seen it on anyone, so I caved, and he went to get it, and I very, very carefully tried on the dress - and of course it was beautiful and fit perfectly. So not fair. It was fun though, to prance around in and try to think of some reason I would ever need a gorgeous pale pink shift with real pearls sewn into it in the shape of necklaces and delicate sequin detail...but there really isn't one. Especially not for a cool grand. Thus, I wandered down to the market and found a not quite so glamorous but still cool pink dress for £10, making today the first time I have spent 100 times less on an item I wanted.

In other news, I FLY TO THE US TOMORROW! I can't believe I'm so excited - last trip was, honestly, awful. The one weekend I spent up in Richmond was great, but work was just a nightmare, and I could not wait to get back to London. And I must confess I'm starting to understand why people don't like traveling all the time for work - just when I start to get into a rhythm of seeing friends and meeting people, I disrupt it for two weeks and it takes a while to get back in the swing of things.

This trip may turn out the same, but I've got two fun-packed weekends planned, so hopefully that will make up for any other stress. It's crazy how lucky I am though, I get to do this and not lose more than one holiday (vacation day). So even if the US office is painful, I should just take it in stride - it's a small price to pay for all the benefits on the other side of the pond! :)

Missing Music

I went to the BBC proms last night and had SUCH a good time! The proms are 8 weeks of world-class concerts put on by the BBC, most at Royal Albert Hall (which is an amazing venue), and if you get there 2 hours before to queue, you can get a £5 standing ticket in either the gallery or the arena. The arena is down on the ground, and the gallery is all the way up above the top row. I'm going to go again before the 8 weeks is up, so I'll take some photos. We opted for the gallery - the acoustics are better and there's room to sit down if you get tired.

The music was awesome - Gershwin, Stravinsky, a modern piece with audience participation (had to clap a rhythm while the orchestra played - so cool to have 1,000's of people collaborating with the music in a constructive way) and a world premier of a jazz/classical piano concerto where the young composer played the piano himself.

We sat/stood next to this gentlemen who was from Pittsburgh and has come over for the proms every year for the last 40 years!! So cool. The atmosphere is something to experience, and there are usually guest orchestras and big names and it's just such a cool thing - I think they've been going on since the 1800's.

Then only downside was that I seriously wanted to go home and play the piano for hours though...and couldn't :( I will be purchasing a keyboard the day I get back from the US and move back in my flat - it's been WAY too long now.

Break point

Something amazing happened when I reached my the point that I was willing to move back to NC if that was what it would take to be happy again. After I faced up to the worst that could happen (sorry, my home state, I love you, I will be a Carolina girl forever, but I just would shrivel up and die living in Cary at the moment), and realised I would survive, I was able to face my life with a huge weight off my shoulders. I wasn't staying at my job because I HAD to, I was fully prepared to leave if that's what needed to be, and I could calmly wait out a few things and see if things got better (so far so good). And since that moment, life has just been awesome. Nothing really changed, except my outlook. I could deal. And I'm not just coping, I'm loving being alive and in London. Such a cool city (I know I already gushed earlier this week, but I feel I'm overdue for some happy posting). I went to Portobello market this weekend and just wandered around, ran into an acquaintance, remembered what it was like to be part of such a cool neighborhood.

This month is the BBC 'proms' which are classical music concerts almost every night at Royal Albert Hall that are open for standing room tickets for £5. I'm going on Saturday night with a friend for some Gershwin and other jazz/modern music. Should be fun!

There's also some cool festival type things going on for the Olympics in Trafalgar Square, may try and go by for that tomorrow night.

If I had a baby...

Apparently I would sit it down to try and play a game with me, banging its head against the wall as I tried to prop it up, creating a massive knot on the back of its noggin. I would then run with the baby to get some ice from the store, and instead find some sort of cold magnetic eggs, which only made the baby cry worse, and ask advice from every one there as to what to do. Then later on I would leave to go out and forget to make sure someone else watched the baby while I was gone, and send frantic text messages to my friend who was in the house to get them to switch the baby from sleeping on its stomach to back or whichever is the one they're supposed to do.

At least, that was my dream last night. Very weird. I can understand some of it, because I know I have always been petrified of having a baby, but not why I was thinking about it last night, when I spent the evening in a Soho club with my friend and six Italian guys dancing to crazily mixed music and trying to plan a 2am outing to play foosball!

Speaking of 2am, I'm getting old. I went out Tuesday night, Thursday night, and last night, and wow am I tired. Somehow I managed to make plans with 3 different people tonight, so I will probably end up very dazed and confused on Sunday, when oh yeah I might try to go play golf! Why can't I learn to find the happy medium in life? Either I'm doing nothing but watching iTunes movies and sitting on my roof terrace, or I'm acting like I'm in college or something.

Not a complaint - it's much better to be really enjoying life again, I must say!

...and she's back!

Yes, the end finally came for the long weeks of misery, shutting myself in, stress and tears at work, and not sleeping...I'm happy again. It took a little 'stepping out there' to see a few friends, an awesome business trip to Italy, and a co-worker's visit (allowing me to relish in my favorite role of hostess to London), but I'm back. I've been running, smiling, laughing, enjoying life again. It's so nice.

Italy was awesome. I mean, I love that country. Ice cream? Divine. Old cobblestone streets and fountains/squares? Amazing. Work connections and business meetings? Beautifully successful.

I had to move out my flat on Saturday for 5 weeks, but I'm staying in a friend's place for the next 3 weeks, then going to the US for 2 weeks, probably leaving on August 18th and returning Sept. 1.


I'll get back in the hang of this blogging thing again now that I'm settled somewhere for a few weeks - I miss it! I've had so much to talk about lately, and kept it all to myself, it's a weird feeling :)

Happy 4th!

Wow it's been a while since I posted! Probably because I've been a really boring person lately, staying in, shutting out the world, dealing with life by watching endless TV seasons about fictional people's lives.

BUT, things are turning around this past week - I went out with a friend after work on Monday, then to see a flamenco dance on Tuesday with another friend (and loved it!!) and then tonight I had a little get-together at my flat for Independence Day. This may be weird to say, but this was the first 'party' I think I have ever thrown as an adult. I never, ever do this. Part of it is my own insecurity that I'm cool enough to have a party worth going, and part of it is the result of always having incredibly different friend groups that wouldn't really mix easily. And I did have ppl from just about every association I have in London, and only one didn't mesh perfectly for a little while, then it went really well! It was fun to have the roof terrace with friends in the nice weather (that then turned cold, but oh well) and even the 'bbq/grill' worked - I bought this 'instant bbq' thing at Tesco's for 2.50 that made a pretty good burger! And tofu weaner and hot dog. :)

I made sweet tea - from tea bags and boiling water, the old-fashioned way - which was a hit, surprisingly! And found this Betty Crocker choc chip cookie dough mix, which was kinda strange (where are you Nestle?!!?) but turned out yummy. The only American to attend brought Coke and ice cream for Coke floats - which was hilarious to try and explain to everyone else (especially bringing root beer into the discussion) but everyone tried one and the whole experience was awesome.

I'm really happy I stepped out on a limb and did this - I still don't know enough ppl to throw a massive party, but having a few friends over for American treats? That I can do :)

Friends don't let friends stay down too long

So today was good. :) One of my college friends that lives in Germany called, and I made plans (and stuck to them) to meet a friend out for dinner. I went shopping, watched a bunch of "Weeds" on my laptop (next show addiction, not as good as Dexter, but it's entertaining), had yummy spanish food and lively conversation with my friend, and the servers (2 spanish brothers), while watching the end of the Holland v. Russia game. My friend is Italian, and Spain and Italy play tomorrow night, but the one guy was convinced Italy would beat Spain - so he made a deal that if Spain wins, he'd buy us dinner next time we came in.

I walked home from Soho, which was really nice - it was breezy and pleasant out, and I love being able to walk - especially when I can help burn off some of the excess calories from the tapas!

I really do love this city. Which is half the problem - if I didn't like London so much, I could just pack up and leave and be a lot less conflicted!

Denial not working anymore

Right. So I'm sitting on my bed, having just hung up the phone with a friend to say I'm not going to go out after all, and it hits me (finally). I'm not doing so well. I don't want to say I'm depressed, because I take that term seriously, but I'm at least mildly so. I went to bed at 10pm every night this week and still couldn't get out of bed on time at 7:30 or 8. I'm irritable about anything and everything at work, and increasingly apathetic about things I usually care about. I've slept next to my guitar for a week, and not touched it other than to reach over and pluck E - A back and forth while my mind drifts off into thought. Meanwhile, I continue to withdraw into my shrinking world, hoping that the deeper I retreat, the closer I'll get to an answer.

I hope I make it to Ireland without sinking further, I think it's exactly what I need!

I've pretty much decided I want to go back to Africa. 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, who knows - but by the end of this year, I need to set foot back in the one place that seems to inject life into me.

I could be vegan now

I just discovered this amazing company, Booja Booja, and they make this 'ice cream' that is the best testing chocolate 'frozen dessert' I have ever tasted. Seriously. It was better than ice cream. How do they do it!? It's not even that crap soy replacement stuff - just water and nuts and chocolate and one other ingredient i can't remember. Wow. They are in Germany and the UK, and need to take over the world soon so I never have to live somewhere where they aren't.

In other news, I can see boredom on the horizon. I think it's about 4-6 months away, but it's coming, and the ever-present need to move is waking from a strange hibernation. There are certain things I can do to keep it at bay, so we'll see if any of my efforts are successful.

I booked my first completely independent holiday today! I'm going to Ireland in July for four days - I can't wait! It will be so nice to get out of the city, explore some wide open spaces, and find some hot Irish men. Okay so that last one is not really on the agenda, it's just fun to joke about.

I have now finished seasons 1 and 2 of Dexter, which is a pity, because season 3 won't air until September on TV, meaning it won't be on iTunes for even longer. Why after years of never watching TV or being able to follow a show for more than 3 episodes in a row, am I suddenly so easily addicted to the programs on my laptop? I guess it's obvious enough...no commercials, no scheduling conflicts, no waiting - only drawback is how quickly the $1.99 fees add up!

Multi-cultural on steroids

That's how I sometimes feel in London - the number and variety of languages and cultures represented here can be overwhelming! In a thoroughly enjoyable and stimulating way, for a culture junkie like me :)

Yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday party, and the guest list sorted by nationality went like this:

French-Portuguese
French-English
Canadian
Portuguese
Greek (2)
Polish
Georgian-English, grew up in Russia
French (3)
Russian (2)
German-Brazilian
English
American (me)

And that's pretty normal for a crowd of people, actually. I love it!

What soccer/football needs

I'd like to send a shout out to American sports commentators. I miss you. I miss howling with you, listening to you argue, watching you poke fun at each other, hearing you banter back and forth and do play-by-plays in rapid fire style. I miss the smooth production, catchy themes, ridiculous suits, in-depth analysis, and big-time show. I just watched one of the most exciting soccer games I have EVER seen in my life - that's not a huge complement on its own, because I'm not usually enthralled by the footy - but this was really fun to watch. I was so pumped up I was craving the dissection, the re-plays, the highlights, the excited chatter - it was the type of game I would have watched every single bit of post-game show and then gone on to Sportscenter to keep getting more.

Instead, I got 4 guys in cushy chairs very calmly saying "Well that was quite a game, don't you think? Complements to Holland for scoring 7 goals against the two World Cup finalist teams, Italy with 3 and now France with 4. It doesn't get much better than this. Strong showing by both teams..." AAGHGHAGHAGHAHGAH!!! So frustrating. I wanted to punch all of them. GIVE ME MY OVER-PRODUCED HI-ENERGY AMERICAN COVERAGE! I just watched a SOCCER GAME that had me ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT - do you not understand how RARE that is? Let me revel in it!

Okay, I think I'm done being American. :) At least I am following the Euro Cup, that gives me a little credit - I'm not suggesting they play our sports, just improve the 'production' of their sports. ;)

What a difference a day makes

...when spent outside in the perfect 25c/75f weather! It was sunny, slight breeze, simply gorgeous. I hardly slept last night, waking up at 2:30 and tossing and turning until giving up to watch more Dexter (totally hooked on that show) for a couple hours and then napping from 6:30 off and on until 12. Stupid, I know, but it's Sunday - I could afford to have a whacky sleeping schedule. Went for a walk, tried to run but no energy (probably because my diet of Jelly Belly's my mom left behind and bagels with cheese hasn't provided much nutrition), back home to flop on the sofa and sink back into the pit of despair (melodramatic, I know). Fortunately, my friend called and we planned to meet at St. James Park, so I showered, got ready, and headed out, deciding to walk the whole way (3-4 miles). It was great! I wandered through Hyde Park, saw everyone in London I think, including a rollerskate/blade group skate-dancing to music, a folk band playing under a tree, paddle boats, soccer games, it was such great people-watching!

Collapsed in the grass when I got to St James, it was good I had beaten my friend by at least 30 minutes so I could relax and be alive when she got there :). We had a coffee, then walked through Green Park up to Oxford Street and found a great place for Dim Sum! Hadn't eaten dim sum since I was in Malaysia - it was really fun, and yummy! Then, I realized we'd circled round to only 15 minutes walk from my house, so I headed home, amazed again at how lucky I am to be so central to everything.

Now I'm sufficiently tired - and for good reasons like physical exercise - so I'm going to NOT watch any TV shows or movies on my laptop and get some sleep :)

My Inner hermit

I have always been a bit two far over on the independent side, leaning towards being a loner. And that side of me is in full swing this weekend. I remember when I took the Myers-Briggs personality test in high school that their definition of an 'introverted' view of the world was that you draw your strength from being alone - you move away from people to deal with hard times, rather than towards them. So after a full week back at work, I was faced with the same old questions of why am I doing this and what do I want to do in life...and thus turned inwards, now reaching the 24th hour of a shut-in :) I'm feeling SO much better too. I researched some things online, wrote in the book I started in January, watched a lot of TV on my laptop, and gradually reached a point where I could think about my future without freaking out.

I walked home from work yesterday, which felt so good! It was threatening to rain the whole time, but pleasant otherwise, and I got to stop by Whole Foods to stock up on some yumminess for the weekend.

It's funny, as I declined to go out, I was questioning why I love living here, considering how infrequently I like to 'party.' It was reassuring to think of all the fabulous things about London that don't involve pubs, bars or clubs. It's cool to have a plethora of interesting nightlife available, but I've always been more of a day person - and for that I have markets, parks, shops, day trips...plenty of things to pass the time. And for the next two months at least, I have an awesome flat with space to play the guitar, sit out on the terrace, and be a total hermit in my room without getting claustrofobic.

Breath...rhythm...normalcy?

Yeah, so it's been a wild couple of weeks!!! I keep thinking there is something else I need to pack for or get ready to do or something...but amazingly, I am staying here, in London, for 3 weeks without going anywhere. Then there's a tiny blip of a business trip to Paris, friends visiting for 4th of July, and possible trip to Milan, but for now, I have 3 weeks to chill.

I had a great time in the US - landed Thursday the 15th and went straight to check out SJP's line of clothes, Bitten at the nearest Steve and Barry's in Wilson, NC, with a car-full of friends - it was great! $9 for everything in the store, very happy. Friday went in to work, out that night with people from work. Saturday I got up and went camera-shopping with my mom - mine had pretty much bit the dust so Mom sprung for the replacement as a happy birthday - thanks Mom! I ended up with a Fujifilm and I reallly like it - best deal there, and is everything I wanted and more.

I drove up to Richmond to see some college friends which was so much fun! It was my friend's husband's surprise party, so I got to hang out with her and another friend I hadn't seen in over a year, and my good friend from DC drove down. Really good trip, all in all. Sunday I drove back in time to meet my family for picnic after church, and see some people from the church I used to work for in Apex.

Monday through Friday was nose-to-the-grindstone working, with nights out to Durham a couple times, family dinner with my brother, dentist and doctor checkups, meetings, and planning Mom and my trip to Lyon and Geneva :D

Friday night, Mom and I both got on the plane for London, and the fun began. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun with my mom. It was awesome. We hit the ground running - Saturday we walked through Hyde Park to Buckingham Palace through the mall/gardens to Trafalgar Square, stopped for brunch and took the tube home. Napped for 30 minutes, then went back out to Portobello market, met a friend for coffee, headed back home and relaxed, then went out to buy groceries and whack the pavement with our asses as hard as possible. Er, that last part was only for me, and really freakin' painful. There's this thing called traction. My awesome new sandals I bought in the US? They have none. My tailbone still hurts when I bend down to pick something up. :(

We cooked a yummy dinner and watched "Enchanted" - LOVED IT! such a hilarious movie! We laughed so hard I think we kept my flatmates up. Whoops. :)

Sunday was wake up at 9, um, 10, um ELEVEN and get out of the house just in time to get down to Southbank to watch a really cool Shakespeare 'collection' piece at the Globe theater. So cool! Then we did this walk through that area to see a bunch of cool sights, crossed Tower Bridge, saw the Tower of London, and headed home. Cooked another yummy dinner, and hit the sack - this time not attempting to even set an alarm clock. Which was good, because Monday was not a day to be remembered for it's weather. So we slept late, ate breakfast, and went to Harrod's! Ate lunch there, bought chocolate and ooh'd and ahh'd at things priced way beyond reason.

Tuesady I had to work, Mom spent the day at the British Museum. We met a friend for a drink at a pub, and went home to pack and wake up in the middle of the night puking because we forgot you can't drink alcohol while on antibiotics. Er, again, that was only me...sigh...

Wednesday was up at 6:30 to make it to Paddington to take the train to Heathrow. Can I just say how AWESOME it is to live 10mins walk from Paddington station?? Makes such a difference. Would have had to get up at least an hour earlier anywhere else I've lived in London. anyway, flight was fine, landed in Lyon, found the hotel, and the sun came out to show off an amazing Old City - loved it! Walked around, shopped, dined, talked, took photos, it was great. Thursday morning the sun was out again so we wandered through the 262 acre park that has a zoo, botanical gardens, and rose garden!! From there it was on to the museum of fine art, since the sun bowed to the clouds, and some shopping, and then blind spots leading to a migraine from stressing out about work while on vacation. Um, yes, that was just me again.

Friday we got up, took a taxi to the train station, and then a taxi back to the hotel and back to the train station since I forgot my cell phone. Thank you, I know how brilliant I am, no need for accolades. Arrived 2 hours later in Geneva, in the rain, found the lockers to leave our luggage, and tried to decide what to do in the hideous weather! Decided to try a museum, walked outside, and the sun came out to show off another amazing Old City. :) We were soo lucky! For the weather to be as bad as it often was, it was perfect when it needed to be. We took a boat tour and wandered through the cobblestone streets - so much fun. Met up with Zach and Marcy and their newborn, and wandered through the city, stopped for a drink, and met up with some of their friends before heading back to the house for dinner.

Saturday was local winery touring with Zach in the morning (in the rain) and then mom and I headed back into the city, and of course, the sun came through the clouds as soon as we got there so we could go up to the top of the cathedral and see the view and have another perfect afternoon. :) Dinner, highlighting fondue, that night, and early bed for early flight back to London on Sunday.

We landed, headed back home, I napped, mom un/re-packed, and we walked to buy some souvenirs, drop them off, and head over to Kensington Palace for afternoon tea with champagne. So much fun!! Then it was kill time by shopping, have a cappucino, and go see Sex and the City the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, it met my expectation of a really long episode, lots of clothes and shoes and relationship/girl talk. I feel like I need to watch only football for a week though to re-balance the estrogen levels.

So mom left Monday morning, I went back to reality at work, and tonight I just finished playing my guitar for the first time in a while and figuring out how I can afford to stay in this flat after the price goes up in August, because I really really really really really love living here....

The flat

So here is where I spend my days when they are glorious and sunny like today:That's the roof terrace :)


And this is the couch in my room. There's a slightly smaller, rounder instrument there, with less strings and no pedals. Please don't tell my piano at home, or any future one I may own, but I'm kind of enjoying really learning the guitar! With no other option to express musical creativity, I'm making it work for me. I'm still pretty pathetic, but sometimes it's enough just to strum away and pick out tunes and occasionally actually learn a new chord.

On the other side of the couch you see my laptop. Those two photos are a pretty accurate portrayal of my free time (when I'm at home) - internet, TV and movies on the Mac, music on the guitar, and sitting outside on the terrace. Sometimes I even do the guitar and mac on the terrace!

Torino!

Okay, okay, I get it - I'm really lucky :) It's so easy to get caught up in all the nit-picky things wrong with your life...the frustrations of work, money stress, the larger 'where am I heading' questions. But, as my friend's wife aptly named her blog, Life is Good. Maybe I shouldn't have mine called Ramblings, maybe I should change it to a title that reminds me again to be grateful!

I flew into Turin for work on Thursday - and spent all but the 15 hours of sleep out of the first 48 hours in a conference center, talking to Italian businessmen and women about ISBNs and print on demand and convincing them to work with us (and with fair amount of success, I hope! Of course, my body language interpretation could be horrible and my Italian colleague could have lost everything in translation, but for now I'm optimistic.). Fortunately though, I did manage to escape the enclosed florescent lighting that sucks your soul and erases any memory of the outside word. I finished up at the Book Fair by 2pm today, went to my new hotel and crashed for a nap, and then headed out to wander through the historic center of Turin. God, it's beautiful. It's built on Roman ruins, some left above ground as well. In the Piazza del Castello, there's a massive 'residence' that's basically a "new" (as in only 500 years old) front to some ancient building. And they've cut out the floor in the foyer and replaced with thick glass/plastic so you see the ruins you're walking over!

It was a gorgeous day. I found everything I wanted to see - and got to go shopping :D Yay Italian shoes, you are my friend. Together we find many fantastic ways to make extra funds in the bank account disappear rapidly. Stupid Euro. It's even catching up on Sterling!

I found a little ristorante in a small street near a piazza, and sat outside to enjoy my dinner. Sometimes being a tourist is fun - you're allowed to really enjoy the man playing the accordion, the guys trying to sell you roses, and not be the slightest bit annoyed by screaming kids in the table next to you, because they're screaming in Italian and somehow that's just cuter.

I like dining on my own. I tend to eat slower, enjoy the food and the sights and sounds around me, and completely relax. The only downside is that if you leave to go the bathroom you have to take all your bags with you, unless you feel like donating to the guys selling roses. But that's about my only complaint.

I love Europe. Even after all the traveling I do for fun and for work, I still get this stupid grin on my face when I first land in a new country. I get this high off listening to everyone around me rattle off a different language, seeing how things work in a new place, learning words and phrases, trying food, wine, chocolate, ice cream...ooh I had some devine gelato today, with Nutella in it!

Oh - one more cool thing - a lot of architects from Turin moved to St. Petersburg when it was buying built as a "European city" - and thus the buildings look very similar! It was crazy to pull out memories of when I was in Russia in 1997 and actually see the resemblance. Maybe there's hope for my memory after all...

Two unhappies is too much

I love my new place. I love London in the spring. I love sitting outside under a tree watching people play catch with their dogs. I love cooking scottish salmon. I love having all the windows open while the gentle breeze blows through the house. I love being able to walk EVERYWHERE and take a really quick tube journey when I don't want to walk. I love sitting on the roof terrace talking to my Mom on the phone. Things have DRASTICALLY improved :)

I was talking to a friend today, after traveling back from St. James's Park (sooo beautiful with all the flowers and the green and the swans and the....) and realized just how miserable I had been. The combination of frustration at work, a long commute, and inability to really kick back and relax in my old house was simply too much. Now that I've been living here a couple weeks, with my super-easy short commute, massive room, and perfectly located quiet apt where I have two nice flatmates but hardly see them or share space with....the stress is starting to roll away. And I can actually DEAL with the work stress. It's amazing what a world of difference the right living situation can make! Kinda makes me wish I had just moved out as soon as I realized I hated Kensal Rise and that having 4 people in a house was too many; but, since I waited, the landlords bought us out of our contract so the move was much less painful.

So life is looking good right now, and I am thrilled. :) I even brought back out my New Year's Resolutions to check up on myself, and I'm ok on some, pitiful on others - but the guitar is out of the case, the running shoes in regular use, and I'm going to buy a French course when I go to the US. Goals are great - if you don't forget them!

Clarification

After my mom asked me "You okay?" on g-chat today, I re-read my post yesterday and realised I sounded a little down. I'm actually not! I've had a great weekend, watched way too much TV and movies, but also managed to play the guitar, do pilates, go running, buy some great spring clothes, eat really yummy healthy food, go out for drinks with a couple friends, and sit out on my roof terrace watching the clouds drift by. My comments about being lonely were meant to be passing, just like the feeling was!

I've decided to just get better at the guitar since I can't have a piano right now. I just need to learn enough chords so I can write stuff and play around - I'm almost there, but not quite. It's frustrating because I'll hear where I want the thing to go next in my head, and can't find it on the strings! Whereas on the piano, it's so easy to feel it out. Anyway, it will come, if I keep playing :)

I found a church I think I will try out next week, it's Anglican, and they talk about this idea of "inclusivism" which isn't a word. But they do a decent job of explaining what they mean by it, and I think it's just what I need right now. Maybe I'll like it, and they'll like me, and I'll get to play their concert grand sometime :D

Life moving rapidly

Right, so I've basically ignored my blog while my life went beserk-o. London book fair (crazy week for work), packing, moving, unpacking, crying inside while I waved goodbye to my piano...

Meanwhile, spring has arrived in London. Whoopee!! I mean, it took its precious time, but today was simply glorious - I went running in Hyde Park (a statement that will soon lose its novelty as I can't seem to NOT go running now that I live so close) and I was actually "hot". This is a strange state of being for the Londoner. Especially since I think the last time I was "hot" was probably September. I had just unpacked my summer clothes from moving, which was fortunate, because otherwise I may not have known where to find a short-sleeve shirt and, oh, what do call those things? Ah right, "sandals." Anyway, I loved it. It only lasted about 6 hours, the wind and clouds came and it returned to mild but still pretty, but it was nice to know it was possible.

I love my new place. I mean, LOVE IT. It's going to be tough in a couple months if I decide I want to stay in this area and have to fork over a larger percentage of my salary than is ever a good idea, but it's just perfect.

I just cooked for myself for the first time in ages, and I did such a good job it made me wish I had someone to cook for so they could tell me how wonderful I was. Kidding. Sorta. It did make me slightly lonely, guess I was due for that one, had been a while with a house full of people. I may have resented having to share my space, but it did distract me from the thoughts of why exactly did I want to be alone so much? Anyway, it's been a great day, and rather than try and go out with my new flatmate, I've decided to stay in and watch a movie. Mainly because I need to erase the movie I watched last night, No Country for Old Men. Really good film, just not good to watch after two glasses of wine late at night by yourself in a big new place. I think I finally fell asleep at 5am after turning back on my laptop to watch clips of the The Daily Show - better to have visions of Obama and Hillary than being killed with an air gun.

Yay London! Yay Eurostar!

Yes, I am very much a fan of the Eurostar. 2 hours and I'm in Brussels - no airline check in, no delays, no hassle, from the center of one city to the center of the other - it's soooo nice.

Before the weekend began, I had found a flat! It's PERFECT! Has a huge room (I have my own couch) a roof terrace, located 2 minutes walk from Hyde Park, 10mins walk from several tube stations, walking distance to Notting Hill, walking distance into town, could walk into work if I was really ambitious! Only downside, it's only for 2 months :( BUT I'll just have a blast those two months and find out what cool place I'm heading next! Another great London flat, a change in cities, who knows! :)

With that great piece of news, I headed off to Belgium for an awesome 3 days of touring. I arrived in Brussels, got the hotel key from my friend (on a work trip so at the office for the day), dropped my bags off, and starting wandering through Grand Place - beautiful architecture, found the Mannekin Pis (not really all that impressive), the chocolate museum, and the Museum of Musical Instruments. Wow. That was possibly the one museum in the world where I could spend more time than my brother, the museum marathonist, would. It was so cool to see all the instruments, listen to them play on the headsets, and marvel at the pianos. Oh the pianos...sigh...so many!

Saturday my friend and I got up early for a day trip to Bruges/Brugge - which was every bit as picture-perfect as it's supposed to be. Lots of tourists everywhere, but still very nice. It was rainy at the beginning, but then the sun came out and it was beautiful! Took a boat trip, climbed the Belfort (366 steps), ate some mussels, nice day!!

Sunday was chill out in Brussels day - beer museum, beer tasting, waffles, chocolate shopping, good times. I headed back that night, full of chocolate and beer and happiness. :)

Can something, anything, just be stable for a sec?

I haven't blogged in forever...so long that this is probably pointless because anyone who ever read my blog has forgotten I had one. But I need to write, and somehow just journaling like I used to doesn't seem to do the trick. The Guardian, a newspaper here in the UK, came out with the "50 most influential blogs" and it got me thinking, why do I blog? I don't have any aims at being influential, not even influential enough to have random people other than friends and family read my ramblings. So what then, is the point? I think I came up with it just now - for me, it's helpful to have some 'statement' I can put out there about my thought, experiences, opinions that I'm willing for the world to see - even if that world never actually reaches beyond a few people. Just being able to sign off and say "This is me today" is a grounding feeling. Especially in times like this, when I have 4 weeks to move out of my flat, an uncertain job situation, a crisis of life goals, and the knowledge that the only thing allowing me to keep the "life" I've started in London, is the job keeping me from pursuing the "life" I think I want.

March, it turns out, has been the craziest month I've had in ages. My brother visited and we had a blast touring Normandy and Paris, and I loved France. LOVED IT. I went to Paris for work and still loved it, even when we missed our train back to London, which happened to be the last one that night, and had to stay in a dodgy hotel near Moulin Rouge! Oh, and I found out I had to move out of my house because our landlord sold it. Add this to all kinds of job 'fun' and relationship speculation, plus several attempts (accidental) to kill myself by falling down stairs and into trains, and you have a really, really bizarre month. I'm definitely glad there's only 2 more days in it!

I'm now spending all day looking at flats, an activity that will be repeated many times over the next couple weeks...I got lucky with an amazing place but I was afraid of signing the lease for the 6 months and hesitated...so I lost it to the more eager flat-hunters that viewed it after me. Kinda pathetic that I can't even commit to four walls and a shower. And ironic, for someone asking for something to be stable. I like a few constants, but on my terms (i.e., short-term) and nothing too close to home.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Mother's Day in the UK. I had fun confusing my mother tonight when I called and said "Happy Mother's Day!" It's weird how the two countries can be a full 2 months apart in their selected day of celebration. I'm worried though, because I won't have the commercials for sales and gift ideas that alerted me to the fact it was Mother's Day here when it's Mother's Day in the US. So Mom, I apologise in advance if I'm late with a card/gift this year!!

I've had a fantastic week/end! Tuesday night a group of us from work went to play Urban Golf as a leaving do for a guy that's moving to the US office from this one. It was fun - you hit this wall that's a mat with the screen projection of a golf course, which simulates the outcome of your shot. Adds a little interest to the driving range!

Friday night I went to the theater to see "A Sarajevo Story" - it was a really good play, using cameras and streaming video with a small cast to tell the story of an American family. The mother is a judge in modern-day Sarajevo, father a sound designer in NY/London, and daughter in Vermont. The theater is right near my work, so we had appetizers and drinks before and stopped back in a pub afterwards as well.

Saturday I lounged around watching TV on itunes in bed :) Then went running to the store, bought groceries and took the bus back. Saturday night's plans went through about 9 versions before finally ending up with option:amazing! A friend of mine picked me up in her car to go out to Old Street (trendy East London area) for a friend's birthday party. It was fun, music not the best, but still dance-able :) The boys were dressed in their finest - painted faces and all! I had my attempt at interesting dress with some blue tights.

I left there and walked to a friend's place where she was having a bit of a girl's night, which was fun. We starting watching Audrey Hepburn movies but fell asleep halfway through Funny Face. Don't have the tolerance for old musicals anymore...interesting that my attention span needs more of a complicated plot - and to have that plot interrupted by pointless songs.

This morning, we woke up, had coffee, yoghurt and honey and bagels, and headed to the Columbia Flower Market. There was a bustling crowd, all kinds of plants, herbs and beautiful flowers for sale - I got a little plant with what looks like orange cherry tomatoes on it for my desk at work :) Took all the plants back to my friend's flat, had a cup of tea, and then went to Brick Lane for some market shopping. I can't believe I've lived in London 9 months and never been there! Loved it! Found some great jewelery and two cute tops, ate Ethiopian food and fell hopelessly in love with a pair of Chloe shoes that I (wisely) didn't let myself buy.

Finally headed back to the "west-side" this afternoon - tired but happy. :) It was so nice to get to stay out there - it's 1 or 2 hours from my house to Old Street/Shoreditch, depending on time of day and luck. Spent the rest of today booking planes, trains, and ferries for the trip Matt and I are taking to Normandy - he arrives in London Saturday!!

Back to life, back to reality

It's really nice when returning your 'life' is a good thing!! The week at work in the US was amazingly stressful, productive, rewarding, and fun all at the same time! I'm encouraged about my job, the future, and life in general. After a week full of family and friend visits, I rented a car and drove down to Columbia on Friday night, got to see my "Blythewood family" for an inspiring talk. Two of their four kids are working in a school for urban poor and refugee children (www.strawberryd.com) where I went a couple summers ago. They use Montessori and have had incredible success turning these children's lives around.

I also got to see my cousin and my kitty - since my cousin has 'adopted' Xai-xai while I'm in the UK, so that was cool. I stayed there and got up in the morning to head over to my friend's house for breakfast! She's due in May, and this was my first time seeing her pregnant - we've been good friends since 6th grade, so it will kinda be like being an aunt. :)

Left from there to drive on to Atlanta and eat lunch with a college friend at Fellini's Pizza - classic hotlanta yumminess! I was having serious nostalgia the whole day - mainly from all the trips I took from Columbia to Atlanta while with Mike, and just the whole intense experience that was living in Atlanta when I finally lived there.

Flight back to London was great - had a whole row to myself! First time since moving that I have flown overnight to arrive on a non-work day, and it was soooo much better. I got in, took a nap, got up and had a relaxing Sunday afternoon. Then, it was party time!! It was a friend's birthday, who is a dj, and thus has several dj friends so they found a cool bar to have all their friends over and they rotated dj-ing for the night. Much dancing and good times occurred...but I had to cut it kinda short so I could have enough rest to fight the jet-lag this morning!!

Tonight, the festivities continued with Mexican night - my flatmates dad (from Mexico) is visiting, so he brought his tortilla press and various Mexican sundries, and they made this amazing dinner - with some potently yummy margaritas! We had a bunch of people over, it was a great family feel, kinda like Christmas was.

I took heaps of pictures of both events, so I'll have to get those up on flickr soon. So far London has put on a spectacular display of reasons why I love living here so much! :) I played the piano after everything died down both nights too, it's hard to remember what I was whinging about...

Trip #4

I can't believe I'm in the US for my fourth visit since moving. It's almost too much! I have had a big reality check though in being grateful for my situation. I mean, what are the chances of finding another job in a location like London that includes work trips to 10miles away from my mom's house?

This time I flew to Atlanta to see my great aunt and uncle before coming to NC. London-Atlanta is about 2hours longer a flight than London-DC, and almost that much further than London-Raleigh...so I'm not sure I'll make that particular trip again. 9 hours is a long time to keep yourself entertained - especially when it's the all-day flight so you're not really tired enough to sleep a lot! And I have started this terrible habit of falling asleep for the last 30 minutes of the flight - they turn off the in-flight entertainment, and it's too late to start reading a book or anything else, so I end up nodding off until the 'ding' sounds that I can take off my seat-belt. It's really not a good thing to do, because when I wake up I'm disoriented and people are jostling about and I have to rush and find all my items strewn about my seat and re-pack my carry-on bag!

I made it through customs and to baggage claim, and then took the Marta (nothing at all like the Underground...Atlanta is not known for its public transportation!!) to the north side of the city and a taxi from there. It was so good to see my "substitute grandparents" - and be forced to move really, really slow for two days. :) Spending time with an 88 and 83 year old is a good way to remember how to not have an agenda and just do what you can when you can.

I flew on to Raleigh Saturday night, had a great dinner with Mom and Alan. Sunday I went to church with them, which I really enjoyed, actually. Mom's started singing in the choir, and it was a trip down memory lane to when I was a little girl and she sang in the choir at our old church. She stopped doing that when my brother was born, I think, and it was the first time since then I was sitting in the pew looking up at her sing, instead of her watching me perform. The appreciation of that moment, the hymns we sung, and just the service itself were a great bonus to an already good weekend.

Then we went shopping :D Got stuff for my mom's svelte new figure and some things (like good workout clothes!) that I have trouble finding in the UK. Then I got to help cook dinner with all the fresh ingredients in my mom's kitchen, eat a yummy meal, and plop down in front of the big TV and channel surf. Great to have these few days preceding what will probably be an insanely busy work week.

Music

I had to pinch myself a couple times last night - I went to hear one of nine performances of Beethoven Sonatas, right on the South Bank, in a beautiful concert hall with perfect acoustics. The place was packed, and the effect of having thousands of people desperately not making a noise while they wait for the first note of the piano strings to come forth was incredible. I kept thinking, how cool is it to live somewhere that this great moment - one pianist performing all 32 sonatas over a span of 3 weeks - is recognized to the point of sellout crowds!

London, with a splash of Seville

I had another one of those "I love living here!" moments today - it's Waitangi Day, which means that the streets were flooded with New Zealanders dressed in the craziest costumes. All Blacks (rugby team) shirts and jerseys, white overalls, orange hair, flags - it was really fun to watch them all as I rode through looking down from the top floor of the bus. Apparently there's a massive pub crawl along the circle line (one of the Underground lines) where people make their way around the city stopping to drink at each stop.

I love being surrounded by so many different nationalities - tomorrow is the Chinese New Year, so there will be festivities in China Town and Trafalgar Square for that.

And, to add to what the city itself contains, I can take a quick business trip to Seville and spend Saturday morning wandering through the old streets, walking by the lake, watching a rowing race, sampling Spanish food and practicing speaking in Spanish. It was such a fun day! Everything went better than I could have planned, I started heading west, got to see the huge old wall, the Macarena, and then circled around to see bridges, the bull-fighting arena, the cathedral and tower (Giralda) and all sorts of cool stuff in between. I made it back to the hotel with 5 minutes to spare, packed up my bags, found a taxi and headed home.

The weather is gorgeous today, so I've already enjoyed a long walk, a trip to the shops, and now I'm back at home relaxing. I'm going out to dinner and then to hear David Barenboim tonight (pianist) tonight with a friend, and then I'm guessing we'll go out afterwards, so I need to rest up!

America Unchained

I'm watching this documentary called "America Unchained" - it's a British guy who flies to California, buys a car, and attempts to drive across the US without giving any money to "the man." In other words, no chain restaurants, stores, hotels, or gas stations. As you might guess, the gas station bit is definitely the hardest. I can't even think of the last time I used a non-Shell/Amoco/Exxon to fill up, even when on long road trips with stretches through no-man's land and only small towns. But he's managing to find them!

They ended up all over the place - at this crazy bed and breakfast built in the shape of a beagle (yes, as in the dog, with four legs and a nose...), this amazing old soda shop that was closing down on the day and serving it's last milkshake, and a motel where the family owners invited them to Thanksgiving dinner.

I think the best part was seeing my country through the eyes of a foreigner who was looking for places that embodied the 'spirit' of America to him - independence, the American dream, etc. It made me really want to try and do more "unchained" living when I'm in the US next time. My family still uses Ashworth's drugstore for all our prescriptions, the local soda shop and pharmacy - and if it's possible to find these places even in homogeneous, yuppy Cary, it's possible anywhere!

You can get the DVD online at www.channel4.com/shop, but it's probably formatted for the UK/Europe.

And January is over

I spent the first 28 days of 2008 doing very little besides working. And playing the piano, going the gym, and sleeping. It's been boring, but nice I guess.

February promises to be more exciting - I go to Seville on Thursday for work, hopefully I will get to see a little bit of the city, too! Everyone I know that's been to Spain frequently says it's their favorite city, so I'm getting excited. I'll just have Friday night after the all day meeting to explore, and maybe a little time on Saturday, but it should be fun.

Then I fly to the US on February 14 (didn't I just get back??) which will make it the longest Valentines Day I've ever had. Wasn't thinking about that part of it when I booked the flight! I'll fly into Atlanta so I can visit my great-aunt and uncle, then drive up through Columbia and see friends there, then Winston-Salem to see my brother, and then finally reach Cary on Sunday night, ready for a busy week at work.

Speaking of travel plans, my brother booked his flight to come see me the first week in March! I'm so glad he's coming - will be such fun. He's been to London before, so we have to find some of the things he hasn't seen or done yet. We may even go to Wales or somewhere like that. After he leaves, I go to Paris, and when I get back, my Mom and Alan are probably coming. So I am actually really grateful for the low-key few weeks I've had lately - it will be a while before I have that much time to relax again!

Weekends

I really love weekends in London. I took a hiatus the last few weeks from doing anything on the weekend, and that was a needed break, but I forgot what I was missing! There's so many different things to do - yesterday I wandered down to Portobello Market and met a friend, we had a drink at a little pub, met another one of her friends, walked on to Whole Foods Market (have I mentioned how much I love that place?? It turns the supermarket into an experience!) and ate a bite there. Then my flatmate was on the same street shopping, so I met up with her and then we took the bus home.

The other American in the office here is transferring back and moving to NC, so her 'leaving do' was last night. That's one of those British phrases I love - "going away party" is maybe more plain of an expression, but much longer. I still laugh when I say "leaving do" though. Anyway, I was so tired I didn't get there until almost 10, and left after the pub closed at 11. I had just read this article on Brit's and the cultural norm of buying drinks, which I am used to now, but still just doesn't really work for me. I rarely have more than one drink a night, so I wind up either feeling guilty I'm not carrying my weight because I'm never going up to the bar to buy drinks for myself or anyone else, or buying a round and never getting a round bought for me. which is fine I guess, I shouldn't over-analyze it, usually everything works out. I sometimes just find it's awkward to not drink on pace with everyone when you're out in a group.

Today was not at all what I planned. I woke up early, with a headache, and then was really stressing about work and other things, completely irrationally. I finally got up and made myself a big, fat, unhealthy breakfast because I just felt like it. :) Eggs, biscuits, jam. Yum. It wasn't so bad I guess, but considering I'm still supposedly on a really strict diet...not so perfect.
At least it filled me up until way late in the afternoon!

Just before I left to go running, our landlord calls to ask if he can come by and talk to all of us. That's four people, and trying to get us all together is next to impossible, but Sunday is usually the best chance, and so we all eventually were awake and said he could come at 3:30. We are all more than a little nervous, he wouldn't say on the phone what was wrong, so we're thinking they want the house back? They don't like us? They're blaming us for damage of some sort? what the heck!?! This then starts an hour long cleaning frenzy that left the place spotless, just in case they were going to say something about it not being in good enough condition.

But no, nothing like that. They're selling the house. And if the buyers don't want to rent, we have to move. Nice.

He did offer to let us buy at a discounted price. But even with the four of us splitting the mortgage, which is actually easy to do here - thanks to an insane housing market where single people can't buy anything so the laws are made to help you buy with friends - it's still way more than I can justify paying just to not have to move. And I'd have to sell my US house to make it happen, and it's just not the right time for any of this. It's a shame, we all really love this house!

Stubbornness

Tonight, I amazed myself with a spectacular display of mulish refusal to give up or ask for help. I may have surpassed even the best stereotypical examples of males-don't-ask-for-directions. I spent an hour wandering around, adjacent to, across from, close to, encircling, but never reaching Carnaby Street. I had a map in my handbag, but wouldn't take it out and look at it. I passed hundreds of people, but wouldn't ask for directions. I was determined to find my flatmates bar on my so-called 'good sense of direction." Well, I've been humbled. I have a mediocre sense of direction. Maybe. I did eventually succeed - I found Picadilly Circus and started over from there. But only after I'd worn blisters into my toes and turned a five minute walk into a 50 minutes walk. The best part is that my flatmate had gone home for the night when I finally arrived, so the search was for nothing, I had to head to the tube station and go home!

The beginning of my evening was a book launch for the winner of a photography competition TV show. The last episode airs Sunday night, and there's a chance I'm in it, they interviewed me briefly so Lulu could have some exposure in the program (since we did the book). Kinda cool - although I am really nervous about how I'll look/sound/come across. One thing to be on TV and stress about how your face looks, another to have a broadcasted record of your statements on the company! My vanity and my job standing could be simultaneously bruised!

I'm exhausted - the stress of this project, and the rest of work in general, is catching up to me.

The racist church-goer in me

Nice shocking title, eh? I went to church yesterday - woke up early and thought, it's Sunday, I should just give it a go, see what the London church experience is like. There's a Methodist church about 5-7 minutes walk from my house, so I got up and got ready and walked to the cute little old-school style building. Walking in, the first thing I notice is the Bible and hymnbook I'm handed are about 50 years old. The second thing I notice is that everyone in the building is at least 60 years old. The third thing I notice is that at least half of the people are black, and I thought, did I misread the sign that said AME church at 2pm? And then I mentally slapped myself in the face and thought WOW. How sad is it that I am so accustomed to Sunday mornings being completely segregated that this seems abnormal. How sad that when I walk in a Methodist church and see more than the one or two 'token' black families, I question for a second if I'm in the right place. How sad that for all my self-righteous beliefs that I don't have any racist leanings, I can find such a train of thoughts come so quickly and so fast I don't know how they happened. In my defense, it wasn't a negative reaction, I didn't think "yikes, I'm outta here", I found a seat and everything was fine from then on. But it was still an unsettling moment.

I really was the youngest person there, which was kinda fun, just to people watch and wonder how long everyone had attended that church, what their stories were, what the major landmarks of their lives had been - it's funny thinking how the experiences my generation's grandparents had in the US is somewhat similar, but also so very different to that of the same generation in the UK.

I had trouble with the hymns...I choked up a bit when I was sitting there waiting for the service to start - partly because of the strong association with home and family, and partly because it wasn't quite right - the hymns were strange and hard to sing. As I walked home, I was longing to temporarily transport myself back to NC and end up in my house, fix grilled cheese and tomato soup for me and my brother, and curl up on the couch and watch the playoffs. Ah well, instead it was taking a nap, going to the gym, watching Saturday's highlights online and following the scores on nfl.com.

Went to Whole Foods market that night - I love that store! It's so nice here - I can just wander for ages looking at all the stuff. And spending lots more than one should on groceries :D At least I'm more than set for the week - continuing the hard-core dieting I started after christmas. I have already made enough progress to fit back in 50% of my clothes! I was at a dismal 25% there for a while I think. :)

Can I have my 3-day week back?

Um, I really don't like working Monday through Friday. Just thought I'd put that out there. Way too many hours spent inside an office sitting at a computer screen stressing about things that, other than providing my monthly paycheck, really don't matter. Really. They don't matter.

I had two interesting insights into myself this week - both off-handed comments by my co-workers. My desk 'neighbor' said to me "ah, but you're not an American!" in defense of her jokes about some US-related thing like not speaking English properly. I had pretended to get offended at the comments and was dismissed as we all laughed, because according to the general consensus, I am not one of those they were making fun of. Nothing really all that new, I have always felt more at home when living outside my home country, it's just funny to have someone else point it out to me. And 'home' in the sense of what grounds me, defines me, and is the place I find my retreat, will always be where my family is. But outside that, the only time I feel like an American is when sports is involved. It's pretty funny that something as superficial as watching a bunch of sweaty men fight over a ball can make me miss the US, and I can't think of anything else that does!

The second comment happened today:

me: Wow, look how much Starbucks share price dropped in 2007 (send link to article in Economist)

my co-worker: so you are interested in economics, too? What AREN'T you interested in?

me (laughing sadly): that's my problem...I'm interested in everything! If I could just pick a few things, my life would make so much more sense.

And with that, I'll head in to my weekend, which will hopefully be full of many of the things I find interesting. :)

Piano. Check!

I can hear something in the distance rumbling...it's the sound of a lost possession slowing returning to me...it's...my sanity!!! Yes! I have a piano, in my house. I can walk 5 steps from where I'm sitting and play anything I want on a beautiful, upright Kawaii piano. Life is good. What a great way to start 2008!

I'm getting excited about this year. 2007 was amazing, unexpected, exciting, stressful, full of big changes - but it was a year that I let come to me. I floated along wherever the tide took me, and it was definitely a good year to do that. I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that this was a bad thing or I wish I hadn't - quite the contrary, if I'd try to force any number of things on this year I don't think I could have found anything that matched up to what I ended up doing. I just have this feeling that this year I want to drive. Obviously not force things that aren't right, but do a little less riding and a little more planning. My job isn't going to move me to another country (unless it's back to the USA, and I'm not really ready for that). My job isn't going to give me an outlet for music. My flatmates aren't going to always be my flatmates or be my way to cool encounters in the London scene. I'm not going to wake up one morning with a ticket to Africa on my pillow next to a custom 5-year plan on how I can fit in there. Etc, etc - most of what I want out of the next year is going to take some work and some planning. So there is my New Year's resolution - no more sitting back and waiting for what might happen, I'm off to make things happen.

It's amazing the effect a heap of steel, wood and strings can have on my confidence.