Help! I've fallen into introvert-world and I can't get out

So, I did too good a job of swinging back over to lonerville. It's a happy place for me, lots of warm fuzzy moments with my guitar, my laptop, the park...actually, this is interesting. It's been really nice lately, London showing off how gorgeous it is in the sun. And I am turning inwards again, although I'm generally happy, unlike last summer. It's almost like there is some correlation between my desire for socialising and the presence of the sun. If there is sun, I don't need people. Weird.

For example, yesterday I had a bbq with some old friends from Lulu, and it was a great time to get out and visit with people I really like and miss working with. But I was ready to go as soon as things started slowing down, not because I wasn't having a good time or had anything else to do, I just wanted to get back and chill out on my own. Then today I stayed a little late at work after a bit of a stressful day, played the piano, started walking home leisurely, stopped for coffee, started writing a song and typing the words on my iphone, meandered through Hyde Park, got home and tuned my guitar to put said song to chords, fixed some dinner, and now I'm in a fantastic mood. It will be interesting to see how things go, now that the people I spend the most time with are back in town as of this week. Will I add back in a moderate amount, return to the full-on schedule from a few weeks ago, or stay here in my hermit phase until dragged out of it forcefully?

being productive

I don't know how normal I am on this one, because I suspect my instincts here are partially a result of being homeschooled. But I can't go very long in life in a status of 'unproductivity' (not sure that's a word, but I'll use it anyway to make my point). In other words, if I don't feel like I'm accomplishing something or doing well or helping someone or learning something, I feel lost.

But this need to 'do stuff' also has another side to it. Lately I've been looking back at my days at Lulu, and wondering just how successful I really was. How much did I actually get done, and how much did I just stay until 7 or 8 at night 'doing stuff'?

My two biggest weaknesses in work/study life are these:

1) I can't work completely independently. Working from home would have been disastrous. My only real times of finishing things are when they have strict deadlines. I have trouble saying 'I'm going to work on project X for an hour every day' and following through - project X will only ever get done if someone else needs it done by Date Y, and usually at midnight the day before. This is a huge problem at my current job, where I have little to no accountability to anyone. It's basically procrastinating, but more an inability to create structure in a void. If I have meetings, due dates, etc, I can plan around them and do quite well. Without an existing structure, I have nothing to fit the miscellaneous tasks in between, and they just don't get done.

2) I am a 95% perfectionist. In other words, I will get something done 95% perfect, and stew inside that it's not 100%, but not make the effort to get it there. This is also a strength in a way, because it's what allows me to live life and enjoy other things, since I get to 95% relatively easily in most things, and the hardest bit is the last bit (for me at least). Which in turn is what makes this a nasty lazy trait = I'm not willing to do the hardest bit.

To circle back to Lulu, I do think I managed to be genuinely productive at times because I had the structure - but still spent a lot of time wandering off course. I over-multi-task, working on 10 things at once and not actually doing any of them well.

My reason in pondering all this is my current situation. I have to find a way to make a structured schedule and stick to it, to make myself complete projects. I've given myself six months to make something happen - and all my ideas require the diligent execution of projects with no given structure or accountability.

I'm hoping the ingrained need to be productive will kick in, becuase otherwise it's going to be a tricky new phase in life come October!

I am 30

Yes, it has happened. And I am okay. :) I chose to celebrate the last night of my 20's last night, being 29 on the 29th of April, and got a bunch of girlfriends to go out for dinner, it was good times. I crossed over into my thirties with a bottle of champagne and two friends out on the terrace, it was perfect. My instructions were to make a wish and then tell my highlight from the 20's - and it was such a perfect thing to do, because it was so hard to pick an event or memory! There have been so many amazing ones, all but the year I was engaged were chock full of crazy, momentous, enlightening experiences. (Even the engagement was its own crazy time, but not so much on the happy side).

Here's what I would say my highlights are :)

• Tassie road trip at the end of my semester there
• Driving to the beach in the middle of the night with Ryoko after graduation
• My mom's wedding
• Xai-Xai, Mozambique - the people, the beach, the hair-plaiting
• Traveling with my brother through South Africa and Germany
• Buying a house
• Moving to London
• Last night - seriously, it was so cool to realize what a fantastic set of friends I have been lucky enough to 'collect' in this city. It's the first time since college, and actually maybe ever, that I have had so many friends I treasure.
  

I could probably think of more or be more eloquent, but my celebrations last night have taken their toll on my 30 year old body, and I must get some sleep now!

Random at its best

Today was awesome. I have had a fantastic weekend actually - and a good portion of what has made it so good is that I have been on my own. My introverted nature has been overshadowed by social activity more than usual lately, and I desperately needed some time for me. Don't get me wrong, I've had a fabulous life lately, dinners out, bbq's, nights out on the town, dating a guy I'm actually really into...it's been good times. But I had neglected the side of me who gets disproportionately excited about running to the store to buy popcorn kernels to cook them the old-fashioned way and curling up to watch a movie on my couch. The side that loves putting on last.fm music and cleaning my room and leafing through memories found in photos and cards.

And perhaps most importantly, I'd forgotten my crazy spontaneous side. So last night I had the gloriously random idea to go SOMEWHERE in the UK today. Couldn't think of where, so I decided to pull up a map of London, zoom out to where I could go for a day trip, close my eyes, spin around, and point! My result: Bedford. Never heard of it, know nothing about it, but it was an hour train away, so I looked at the town map online and saw it looked interesting enough. And it was perfect!

I got up around 9:00, showered and headed to St. Pancras, took the train through the countryside and read my book on the way (The Year of Living Biblically - more on that later maybe). Arrived around 11, and set off to find the river, since it looked like a nice spot. There was a church called Bunyan free church, with pretty courtyard, and then the grounds where Bedford castle stood before the siege in the 13th century or something like that. It was cool because there was this circle of stones on the top of a hill telling the story, so I sat there and wrote in my notebook for a while, read a little, and then went down to the river below.

It was so pretty! I mean yes, it's just another riverfront town, but it was exactly what I needed! There were parks with people playing rugby and football/soccer, beautiful flowers and tree-lined sidewalks, and my favorite part was this sign at a restaurant advertising their Sunday Roast - EAT MEAT. The timing was hilarious - I was trying to decide whether to fast all day or just start my diet for the next two weeks, and whether I should have meat or just cut out bread and dairy as planned...and I see the sign from across the pond. So of course, I go eat meat :).

The meal was yummy, and in such a picturesque setting. I sat in the sun surrounded by couples and families, and was totally content. I actually like eating out by myself, but sometimes it takes a little while to get over the awkwardness of being a single diner - mainly from the the feeling people are watching you curiously. This time I didn't have any qualms at all, as I was in travel mode, which is when I'm most comfortable alone anyway. I even stuck around to enjoy dessert and tea!

From there I wandered back to the station and headed home, crashing for a nap - all the sun wore out my pale UK resident complexion ;). When my flatmate got home and I told her my random selection method for things to do on a Sunday, she laughed and said that was crazy...which I guess it is. She was more hung up on the fact that I did it by myself too, which I can understand. It's not that normal to enjoy traveling alone as much as I do. But I do. And that's one of the things I hold onto and think to myself when other people look at me like I've got two heads when I say I don't want to get married. I do such a good job in my social butterfly imitation mode these days that I sometimes feel I even have myself fooled...it just takes a weekend alone to bring me back to my most comfortable version of reality.

The luck factor

Luck gets such a bad rap sometimes. (Just watched Matchpoint again so it's on my mind a little bit). If you're religious (esp Christian) the word is almost taboo -good things happen because God is blessing you, or answering your prayers. In the Western/capitalist world in general, the over-riding philosophy is good things happen when you work for them - the American dream can be yours if you pull up your bootstraps and work hard. But seriously, there are so many little events in life I have a hard time writing off through faith, hard work, or logic. And while I do think a lot of the really awesome things that have happened to me in the last four months are a result of my previous hard work, my attitude and openness to life, and that happiness breeds more happiness just like sadness feed itself - I personally can't avoid the huge amount of sheer luck that has come into play.

In August, I was ready to quit Lulu and move home. Through a random im conversation, I discovered there was a job in India within the company I could possibly go for, so I said I would go and a move to India date was set. Being future 'cheap labour' probably saved me from the massive layoffs Lulu had in October. When I changed my mind, I started looking for a job, against all the odds. An acquaintance said 'try gumtree', which is not really the most normal or legit place for jobs so I'd never tried it before. I type in 'pianos' and up comes the piano shop. Interview = I'm hired. Minor detail of work permit, so I can't quit/start right away. No problem, we decided I would be part-time on the weekends for now, and I was going to have to work from home for Lulu anyway, so I could work for Lulu from the shop until we find a way to have me work here legally. How in the WORLD did I find the one piano shop owner in London who so hates searching for employees after he finds someone he likes that he stuck with me for 3 months before I was officially full-time!? Meanwhile Lulu found a perfect job for me there as well, and came around on everything that had made me miserable before. It was almost enough for me to stay; instead it just made for a really nice way to end my time there and I left on good terms with a long notice period.

Then all the little things that go around these big things just keep going my way - it's like every time I flip a coin, it lands the side I called. I know that this streak will probably end at some point, and there have been some things that have definitely not ended up how I would have liked, but there are so many more positives than negatives that they are what I end up focusing on, and thus more good things come. The flip side to that argument is that I'm so happy and relieved with my new life that I'm only looking for the good things, so that's why I see more of them - but in the end, who cares whether the chicken or egg came first - I'm having a great time :)

Bye-bye, 9-5...Hello, Pianos

Wow, so my first and only 'real job' is finished - what a crazy ride it's been, too! I spent Thursday (my last day) sorting through emails, forwarding on contacts, making notes on everything I've done the last 2 years and 9 months...and then crying at my laptop while doing all those things. I thought I'd done all the mourning already, but apparently had some more to get out. :) Why do I get so attached to things like this?

Anyway, after all the tears, I slept like a baby Thursday night, and woke up with a huge smile on my face! I'm more sober about the future than the insane giddiness I had when I first decided to do this, but in a good way. I know it's not going to be easy to sell pianos in this economic climate, and I know that my other fun side projects may turn into nothing (or worse), but I would rather put myself out there doing something I love and fail miserably, than keep 'succeeding' at something that just drains me.

I was talking to this guy I met last night at a friend's party about how cool my old job was and how much I had loved it, but that I just burned out. Which is true - it used to do exactly what the shop does - I would leave in a better mood than I came in after a day at work there. That stopped about 18 months ago, but I couldn't leave the job without leaving London, so I stayed. Anyway, we were talking about average time spent at a job, and I said mine was six months, before Lulu. Which is crazy to remember back to the days when I floated from city to city, different jobs, different combinations of different jobs, always finding new ways to make money, do music, travel, and have a decent life. Lulu was such a departure, albeit a necessary and beneficial one, from the type of existence that suits my personality and interests. And now I'm slowly coming back to the freedom and variety I crave...and I think that's what is at the root of my happiness and peace about what is an incredibly risky move by most anyone's standards. Maybe I can't be quite as carefree at 29 as I was at 25, but I'm still young and healthy enough that I don't have to be stuck in a job just to have benefits.

And now, I'm going to go play the pianos for while :)

How to write when you're happy?

It's often said that creativity comes with depression or intense melodrama - and I have to say I write more music and more frequently make entries in my journal when I'm sad. But wow. Life is Just So Amazing right now. President Obama just swore the Oath of Office. I am overwhelmed with love and pride for my country! The whole thing is just amazing. I mean AMAZING. Such a sobering speech too, not flippantly optimistic, but an appropriate call to action and hope. (I also loved the amazing piano/clarinet/violin/cello piece too, so beautiful!)

In general, things are just falling into place for me, so much so that I'm scared by it. Wondering if I'm going to wake up one day and it was all a dream, or wake up one day and it is all reversed or worse! But I'm not letting myself think like that, I'm just enjoying the fact that I have an amazing part-time job which lets me spend my days surrounded by pianos and music, I have a great place to live, I'm filled with ideas and hopes for things to do this year, I have a great network of friends in London, multiple ways to talk to and see my family, I'm healthy, my family is healthy...I have so much to be grateful for in this gloomy world setting.

I also haven't written lately because I've been trying to decide what to do about my job, and airing all that on my blog has the (very slim) chance of getting back to my current employer, so I decided to just keep quiet. I'll write more about all that when it's truly official later this week.

Go USA! Let's get things working right again! :)

It's me - blogging, for real!

So it's 2009. I have been having this inner debate about whether to keep blogging, I'm so out of the habit, and London is now my life, not just an amazing experience for a few months. But there's still interesting things to write about for sure...it's just that more and more they are too personal, or worse, politically charged with my employment to air in the very public view of the blog. Plus, I kinda want to have some purpose or logic to my posts, but I don't know if that will ever happen!

I was reading over my New Year's blog from '08 and laughing sadly to myself at how perfectly I ignored the profundity of my statement that I was going to have to make things happen if I wanted to have as awesome a 2008 as I did 2007. There's nothing worse than not listening to yourself and finding our you were right. I do it all the time though. Took me until November to take my own advice!! But hey, at least I finally did, and 2009 has the potential to be freakin' awesome because of it.

I'm coming off one of the best Christmas breaks I've ever had - I learned from last year and didn't go home for Thanksgiving (hard to miss being with my family that day, but I had thoroughly enjoyed spending the day cooking for 10 of my friends!) so that I was rested and really looking forward to being home for Christmas AND I stayed for over two weeks. It was perfect.

Looking forward to resting this weekend, and catching up with friends, it's been so long since I've seen everyone!